How to impress people

A few years ago, I was put in charge of a committee to determine the new mission statement for the school I was a teacher at. The first thing I did was read a text book from college that had a chapter dedicated to writing school mission statements. In the chapter it recommended using the phrase "prepare students to be ethical global citizens." The main justification for using the phrase was that administrators would be impressed with it. I included the statement with my proposal to the group and was able to preserve it until the draft was presented to the principal. The principal wrote back to the group that she liked the proposal, but really really liked the line "become ethical global citizens." When the proposal was sent out to the entire school faculty, the biggest response was to remove the line about global citizens as it didn't make much sense. The book was correct, the administrators were impressed, however it failed to mention that the statement was worthless.

There are lots of ways to impress people without actually having to be productive. I'll share a few of these.

First, when you give a presentation, use a pie chart. Your presentation doesn't need to require the pie chart, but including it will impress people. A friend of mine was giving a presentation and gave me a rough draft. I recommended that he add a pie chart. He said he didn't need it, which I agreed with. However, he conceded when I told him that people would like it. He added a pie chart that was quite meaningless and added nothing to the presentation. When he gave the presentation the feedback included the statement "great pie chart."

Second, make spreadsheets. People are impressed with Excel. Spreadsheets can be intimidating and therefore demand respect, so when you are able to use Excel, you are clearly one who must be listened to. It is highly recommended that when you prepare the spreadsheet that you do not organize the working portion of the spreadsheet. Leave that part messy and confusing. It adds to the intimidating aspect of spreadsheets. But make a highly organized, really neat box at the bottom with the results. They will also be impressed if you can insert inputs into the spreadsheet and have all the numbers change at once. It makes for a great show. If you find that the spreadsheet is not very necessary, add color to it. Everyone loves color. I created a pretty simple spreadsheet once that calculated how many teachers were needed to teach a subject based on the number of students taking the course. I could have just used a piece of paper to divide the number of students taking the class by the number of students allowed per teacher by the state, but instead I made a complex looking spreadsheet with an input and output box with some colored arrows decorating the blank spaces. The department head was so impressed with the Excel sheet that he recommended that I take over his position.

Finally, add Macros to your Excel and Word documents. The Macros needn't be necessary, they will be highly impressive for the very fact that they are Macros. If you don't know how to write Macros, find a document that already contains the desired Macro and cut and paste it. That is already more than most people can do, so you will be able to impress people despite your inability to create Macros. I once made a cover sheet that included a Macro that would determine the length of the underscored line in the "From:" line based on the length of the originator's name. This could have been done by using ctrl+u, but I used a Macro that I copied and pasted from another document I found. My boss was so impressed with the Macro on the cover sheet that she mandated that everyone had to use my cover sheet.

Utilizing these three easy methods will insure that you impress people without having to do anything productive.