My relationship with the children of my now wife changed drastically while we dated and continued to change after we married.
My love for them today is unconditional. While I do not understand yet the love one has for a biological child, I do know that my love for these children is not dependent upon the relationship with their mother, my wife. While it started because of my relationship with her, it has grown beyond that to be the love between a father and his children.
A friend of mine who had two kids and I were talking about the children. He said the love would develop different for step-children than it would for biological children. With biological children, it happens in an unexplained spontaneous way. With step-children, it is in an unexplained way as well, but is not spontaneous. It takes time, patience, and dedication. Much like developing the love with your spouse requires work, so it does with step-children.
My wife was very intentional about the first interaction I had with the children. Children can quickly grow attached to someone and adult relationships do not always work out. While we couldn't guarantee we would get married at that time, we waited until we were at least on the same track.
As time progressed, my relationship with the children continued to develop. While my wife will probably always remain the one who handles certain situations, which I would handle if the children were biologically mine, they are my children and I have become their dad.
I am named after my great-grandfather. His youngest son, my great-uncle, married a woman who had two children, about the same age as my kids. My great-grandfather said that there was no step in his family and the step-grandchildren would be treated as if they were his grandchildren. I feel the same way about my children. I never use the term step-children, though by definition they are. I use the term children, because I love them as my children.
However, the children have a dad who is biologically their dad, and it isn't me. No matter how strong my relationship becomes with the children, or how much time passes, there will always be someone who can call the children his children, without ever having to explain that they are from his wife's previous marriage.
Every so often the kids will say something to remind you of that fact, that you are only their stepdad and that they have a real dad. The kids are with me all the time except every other weekend and a few hours each week. But they are always my children and I am always their dad. But I am also always their stepdad. It isn't always easy to be a dad who isn't a dad.
